The Random Dilettante

This morning I got up and watched “Love Actually” again (the 3rd time in less than 24hours), and then after putting the little one down for a nap I delved into the bonus features of the DVD, and ended up watching the movie again, this time with the commentary. Whoo hoo! Actually I enjoyed it more than I should have, there’s just something about the movie that I’m in love with. It must be the dreamer/romantic side of me peeping out before it returns to it’s dark hole of cynicism.

Now I’m watching the first Harry Potter (the only one I own) while shoving pieces of cookie dough pop tarts down Audrey’s mouth, and also typing this. (It’s a challenging life I lead)

It’s quite possible that the only reason I’m sitting here and using Microsoft Word is nothing but a sign of my desperate need of feeling like I’m close to being online. In my head I’m pretending I am, and that when I get done with this rant it’s as easy as clicking on publish, and poof! Mission accomplished.

Unfornately it’s not that easy, if I’m lucky I MIGHT be online by this Friday. Eeek..it’s horrible to think of being without the net that long. What if there’s something I need to know or look up? What am I going to do for 5 more days without Google…no email…blahhh the list goes on.

I’m seriously thinking about putting this all on a memory stick and taking it and my laptop to the parking lot of Panera Bread, and trying to use their wireless service in the comfort of my own car. That way I don’t have to trudge my hunk of a notebook and 2 kids inside, where they will surely beg for cookies (the kids not the laptop). Plus it would fulfill my incessant need to check my email and look around on the net, if even for just a few minutes. So, if you happen to be reading this, you’ll know how

Tomorrow I am going to try and find and buy a book called “Million Little Pieces.” I hear it’s a great read and sure to keep me occupied for a day or two. I’m greatly looking forward to it..anything but watching DVDs that I’ve already watched at least 3 times before will do just fine!

Alright, I’m off; my evil toddler is throwing herself like a dying fish on the floor. Her sister has pissed her off again, so I need to go do damage control.

P.S.- Please note that the only difference having a bottle of wine would have made in this whole scenario is possibly grasping my attention span long enough to really get involved in a computer game. Last night I tried to get interested in a Circus Tycoon game I have, but only succeeded in wasting and hour before being bored to tears. Having some wine would eventually stunt my thought process and I’d waste at least 3 hours simply staring aimlessly at the monitor while my thoughts try to sort themselves out like autumn leaves falling from a tree.

Last night I drove back to the base to pick up a package that was accidentally delivered and sitting on my front porch. It was a cool keyboard I ordered from Best Buy that has backlighted keys and is wireless. I didn’t feel like letting it sit out there until this weekend, and I also didn’t feel like taking both my girls on a 4 hour roadtrip…because it stresses us all out.

So I left around 11pm and got there a little after one in the morning. I didn’t have to be back in KC until 7 the next morning, so I went upstairs, took a shower and took a nap in MY bed. God it was awesome.

I was supposed to fill the car up with more things to bring back, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The moment I walked through my front door I felt what’s been missing these past few weeks.

I think it’s safe to say, that I will soon be back to my house…and maybe I will get lonely at times, but also generally more happy than I will be away from home.

I can’t wait to sit in my extra comfortable office chair, at my desk that I can leave messy if i want too, and stare at my huge flat screen computer monitor, with my new ultra cool keyboard..and my awesome speaker system….I love my stuff. My bed, my nice sheets, my TV…all of it….and I’m going to enjoy it while I can, because in May it will disappear for a few months while we are getting settled in NY.

And I’ll love how I can do all the laundry I want (I get weird about sheets and blankets over a week old..and I like fresh towels) without someone mentioning how high I’m making their water bill. It’s little quirks like that, that make it all worth it.

So if I don’t post in here for a week or so…I’m on my way back home and getting my cable and internet back. Can’t wait.

Am I not the Aunt to the world’s cutest baby?? She is unbelievably cute!

My sister had her on the 17th, and she weighed 5lbs 120z (if I remember right).

So yeah..I am very proud..and she can have anything she wants from me..she’s too cute to not be spoiled rotten ;

Oh..and she has eyes like my sisters, which are just like mine, and just like my brothers, which all came from our birth father/mother….so she’s going to be one hot mama

So today I called my mom at the home to find out some plan she has to come back to Kansas City. Apparently she’s convinced some old neighbors of hers (they were before they got kicked out for not paying rent) to come get her and bring her back to her house in Kansas City. These are people who my mom barely knows, but I’m sure jumped at the idea of a free place to live and a social security check. The only thing that matters to my mom is that she’s coming back to KC. I went by today and there wasn’t even a back door, it’s been stolen (it’s a rough part of KC)..there’s also a lot of broken windows. But supposedly this couple is going to take care of my mom (even though they haven’t seen her in over a year and have not a clue about her needs) and clean up the place and fix the door, etc. I refuse to be a part of it because it’s just not in her best interest. Let alone she’s still not walking on her own and spending every waking minute in the wheel chair. But anyway…I guess none of it matters anymore, because like I said, I called her to see what was going on and this is how our conversation went :

me: Hey, how ya doin?

(she slams the phone down)Just classic isn’t it? I guess she felt I couldn’t do anything for her anymore, so she really had no use for me.

This situation she’s about to get into isn’t a good one, but she won’t listen to me..I’m nobody to her now.

I’m officially throwing my hands up.

It’s been one year since my dad died..

I’ve changed so much since that day.

Although things on the outside seemed the same, on the inside it changed me and my perception of my reality. I’m more prone to depressive bouts since that day, mainly because I think I’m still trying to deal with the loss and immense change it caused in my life.

One day I had parents, and the next…Just One - my mother. And she was soon to be so self involved that I’d lose her too. She was never the same after that day either. 3 months later she arrived in a nursing home - after months of trying my best to salvage some normalcy in my life. Everything wasn’t supposed to change at once, but it did. In one sudden wisp I had no father and a mother who never truly cared about anything but herself.

So in many ways..this orphan girl..adopted when she was 5, and raised as an only child and sheltered from not only the world, but even close family, found herself once again an orphan. No family to depend on, or grieve with..or just to listen to her. Things seemed pretty pointless.

But a year later..through the midst, I am stronger and rebuilding lost ties with my birth father, brother, and sister. Losing my dad made me realize how important having someone you can call family means. Through thick and thin, and as supposed friends fall by the side…ideally, family remains, and to me, even the notion… is priceless.

So that’s where I am now. And if your out there Dad and magically reading this….

I miss you beyond all reasoning. My heart hurts to think about you sometimes. But beyond that…Thank you for giving me so much to miss, for that I am blessed.

I love you
We love you papa “lala”
The girls send their kisses…

Tonight my hubby and I went out and had a drink and some lettuce wraps at Chili’s, a semi date I guess. It’s been forever since we’ve done that…which explains why I had to end it properly at a local tattoo shop called “The Bleeding Heart.” I finally got my wrist tattoo touched up. Anyone I’ve been around lately knows that it’s been bothering me because the lines weren’t as smooth or as bold as they could have been, and the center of it was supposed to be solid red for my daughters birthstone, and it turned out to only have a hint of red.

Now it’s all fixed, or seems to be anyway. I’ll be taking a pic of it in a few days, so I’ll post it when I do.

There’s not really anything else to say. This morning was full of drama, the afternoon pretty empty..and you heard about my night.

I have tons of rants that are building up, but at the moment, with my wrist still stinging like hell, it doesn’t seem worth it, so I’ll just let it all build up more until I have a really really good rant

Peace out

Me = Distracted

I’ve been running around like my head is cut off since I’ve been in Kansas City. I don’t really know why either. It just seems harder to sit and kick back here. Also, everytime I get ready too, something comes along and kicking back becomes nothing more than a fleeting thought.

Today I can’t say that though…I’ve had a good few hours on the laptop. In the back of my head I’m thinking of other things that I need to be doing, but I’m temporarily ignoring them. It’s long overdue..so what the hell.

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me…

Happy Birthday dear Glenda..

Happy Birthday tooooo me!

The big 29. Watch out world Do I feel old? Hell no. Instead I think of how much more of a clue I have now days, compared to what I was like in my early 20’s…and am glad to be where I am now.

Well she is.. heh

Anyway…

I wonder why some people choose to be self destructive, while others just choose to take that energy and destruct others. What magical trait in us defines the choice on whether we externalize or internalize our issues?

Am I making any sense? I probably could have worded that better, but it’s all I got right now.

I’m going to go find and rent “Crash”…I’m hearing it’s a pretty good flick and makes you think, so it sounded like fun. I need some mental stimulation of some kind — my mind is going to turn to sludge soon if I don’t. Seriously..

I finally went through my entire user manual for my new digital camera. (well it’s not exactly new, but close)

It has way more features than I thought it had. I can set it to take black and white pictures, or put it in “macro” mode — where the main object of the photo is in focus, but everything behind it is out of focus and blurred. (a very cool effect in my opinion) I’ve read about a countless number of features…now to put them into action!

PLUS I can exchange lenses if I want to. True..I’d have to be able to afford to get a “conversion lens adapter” as well as the lens. But still. It’s an option, and options are GOOD.

I’m looking forward to trying it all out, to say the least

Another good thing to make note of is “The Adam Carolla Project” on TLC. That man is hilarious, not too mention HOT. Yeah I said it. It’s something about his confidence and sense of humor that totally has me sold.

Anyway, here’s a summary of it all:

“Long before the one-and-only Adam Carolla became known for his work in television and radio, he was a bona fide carpenter working with a crew of his misfit friends. Adam’s self-described “horribly ill-fated plan” for the The Adam Carolla Project is to buy a house with his own money, renovate it with his crew of “unemployable idiots,” as he describes them, and then try and sell it for a million dollars.”

I’m the type of girl who loves to get her hands dirty, so needless to say I’m loving the show so far. I only wish I had the money to buy a house, gut the inside, and rebuild it. How damn awesome would that be??

One of these days.

Know that.