The Random Dilettante

Can you tell something’s bothering me? I swear this one started out “pretty”…

(updated without the glare)

I really need to stop playing with my hair and coloring it at home..almost every time I do, I mess it up and end up having to get some color remover stuff.

One would think the first time this happened it would be the last…but NOOOOOO. That would be too easy, and I’m not known for making things easy on myself.

So yesterday, I wanted to do something “funky” something artsy damnit. So I dyed my tips black..and the underside of my hair black…and then put some streaks in like highlights. Yeahhhhh.

It’s not permanent, but umm..as it’s already fading..it’s looking real bad, real dull, not at all what I was thinking. It looked cool when I first did it..but the more I look at it, the more I’m disgusted. (the pics above aren’t too bad..but now it’s like a dark dingy grey) UGGGH

In my efforts to wash it out..I’ve faded my whole head of hair.

My poor hair.

In black and white I’m fine though. hah. I look like I could totally kick some ass in this picture..I love it!

OK nevermind. That was a glitch in the matrix. I don’t want to go cry to my “mommy” hehe.

Blame it on the “Trainman”, cause that was just plain ole’ insano.

(If you haven’t seen The Matrix Reloaded , I’ve lost you…but by all means, go out and rent it so that you can be in the “know” - you’ll thank me later) hah

My mind is starting to slow down, and get a better grasp of the situation. It’s not a healthy one for me, so I’m going to stay out of it.

Next topic please

GOD…

I re-read my last post, and all it makes me want to do is go see her and test the waters..

knowing damn well I’ll drown in them.

I really doubt if she gives a damn about me..but the child in me just wants to run to “my mommy” and hug her and cry.

I’m so screwed…

Hmmmm..ok, so I guess the appropriate question right now would be:

What’s NOT happening Glenda?

There’s not a lot of physical things going on, I’m not running around doing errands like a mad woman, and my schedule is not packed with things to do.

Instead..

Imagine a child who has just gotten a new toy; it’s one of those spinning top things where you pinch the top and then watch it fly across the floor doing a magical dance..it’s very amusing, and the kid LOVES it to the point of obsession, and won’t stop playing with it…he/she only takes a break from playing with it when eating or sleeping.

Now imagine that same “spinning top” as my brain. Spinning, spinning, spinning….damn I’m dizzy..I wish they would stOOOOOPPPPPP……whooooaaa…..here I go agggaaaainnnnnn…

Ha. But anyway.

Yeah, my brain is working over time with a lot of “could be, would be, might be” crap.

And I do mean crap –I for one, know — that worrying about those things serves no useful purpose.

Care to know why? (ha..like you have a choice) hehe

Well first off, my mother (is she still? I don’t even know) is back in the nursing home. The rejects she was living with, who wouldn’t listen to me in the beginning (I told them it wasn’t a good idea for her to go back to her house in KC) apparently brought her back yesterday. I don’t know first hand, but I’m pretty certain it was by her request.

My birth father, Dwain, actually works there (odd situation, no?), so he gave me the heads up, and even saw her today and told me she was looking horrible, and way beyond her years. This is something that hurts to hear..even though it’s not surprising. As much as she has done to me, said to me -she disowned me, for crying out loud - it’s not a nice thought to think of your “parental figure” suffering or in pain.

And beyond all that, you can’t even imagine the mess of crap that’s involved with going in a nursing home. If your in her financial situation, living off your Social Security, you have to apply for Medicaid, and once approved for long term care…They basically take all your money except for around $30 a month. That’s for you to use for whatever. They take it all because if your in long term care (a nursing home) all your needs are taken care of, you don’t need to buy your own food, shampoo, soap..stuff like that. You do still have to pay for haircuts though..but really that’s about all. If you smoke (like my mom does) it can become a problem..not many smokers I know can get by on $30 a month.

So anyway, the government really doesn’t care if you’d like to buy your own brand of soap, or would like to buy a magazine, or a new pair of pants..or if you need new underwear, they take pretty much all your money, and let you work out the rest as far as budgeting your pennies and where to spend them.

Sorry..back on subject. (I feel some anarchy coming along)

IT’S A LOT OF PAPER WORK, PHONE CALLS, things like this.

I pity the people who have had to do my moms paper work since last year. She was admitted late January of last year, (paperwork)then left the home in the middle of Feb 05, (umm, more paperwork) then re-admitted once again around the 1st of March 05 - she went to go live with her sister, but her sister’s husband basically said “Hell no” after only 2 weeks, and you guessed it…CALLED ME - (even more paper work… )

Then she leaves again this past October…yep…more paperwork, cause every time she leaves they have to start giving her social security again, she has to re-apply for Medicaid…and not to mention, EVERY time she goes someplace she’s opened up a new account at a bank, and then eventually closes it….and then like a month later is back and wants another account.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

It’s a stinky gutter full of shit.

And until now, she had me to help with it. I’m sure she can get by without me, that’s not my issue…the issue is my mind that keeps saying the same thing..over and over….

Why does she have to make every thing so damn hard? I TOLD her she didn’t need to be in KC, I TOLD her she was better off in the home, I TOLD everyone else who cared to listen too….

But all anyone wanted to do is shake their head, and dismiss my opinion, I mean I’m ONLY her daughter..what the hell would I know…

So what’s of her house? Are the rednecks still living there? Did they dump her off with ALL her stuff, like her TV, all of her clothes?

AND most importantly -

WHY AND THE FUCK DO I EVEN CARE?? SHOULD I CARE? SHOULD I FEEL BAD IF I DON’T?

OR WHAT IF I DO CARE, BUT STILL DON’T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THE SITUATION? CAN I HANDLE THE GUILT OF THAT? SHOULD I EVEN FEEL GUILTY?

Oh yeah… that was just a tiny peek into Glenda’s fragile mind — my head is spinning people.

Anyway…on a totally different note!

(That damn kid just went another go…)

Andrew is waiting to hear about us possibly being stationed in Hawaii in June!! He will still have to deploy, which sucks..but I’d much rather be left in sunny Hawaii, than the blizzard of Fort Drum; you know..if I had a choice..

Hopefully by next week sometime he will find out for sure. The anticipation is killer, and I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it’s hard not too!

Tada! Welcome to my world!

(it could be worse, so I’m trying to keep a sense of humor about it….trying..)

(if you like Marty Casey)

I finally checked out Marty Casey and The Lovehammer’s new Cd…

It’s awesome. Everyone should go out and buy it They are in KC on the 1st of March, but it’s on a Wednesday, so I won’t be going. Not too mention the price of the tickets, they are over $50. (it’s because he’s with INXS)

I started a painting last night..trying something new, and working on my “composition.” I found a site where you can post your art for critique, and one person gave an awesome comment/lesson on the composition of a painting. She said if you look at a abstract painting, and your eye goes straight to the center, and just stays there, then it needs to be re-worked. So my new one is focusing a little on that and trying to get the eye to move around the painting, and add interest.

No one likes my “Love’s Massacre” one, they say it’s too busy..and it probably is, but I still love it, and that’s what really counts. I just like what it stands for more than anything.

Back on subject..I’m trying something new, and it’s kind of got me stuck. It’s finished but not..it needs something, but I don’t know exactly what. Blah. Hopefully it will come to me.

Umm yeah..so besides that, nothing else to mention right now. I’m watching Romeo and Juliet, the one that was made in 1996, and LOVING it.

Possibly more later? (it’s a crap shoot)

* Oh! I AM waiting to hear back from Andrews meeting with his branch manager. It doesn’t look good. He thinks that no matter where we end up, he’s headed for a deployment (for a year or more), so I’m waiting anxiously to hear the news..that is most likely bad.

I need to know how many bottles of wine I’ll need tonight… Or maybe I’ll skip the wine and just pout on the couch all night? I dunno.

I decided to scratch the idea of having a separate page displaying my art; at least for the moment. It’s too much trouble, and I’m too lazy, haha.

This past weekend my mother-in-law bought my “Composure” painting, and the 2 panel one that had a lot of red in it (now called “The Attic”) she wrote me a check for $75 for both of them, which isn’t too bad. I have yet to really make any money, but it helps in off setting some of the cost, so I was pretty happy about it.

I have two more to share, but it’s frustrating me because all the pictures I take of them don’t show very good detail because of glares and lighting issues. I need to learn how they do it on Ebay, the self-representing artists on there somehow take pictures of their work, and you don’t see a flash, a glare, or anything.

I want to put some paintings up on eBay eventually, but before I do that I need to work on taking pics of them, and also design a “Certificate of Authenticity” that most paintings seem to come with. So it might be a minute before I get to it.

Anyway, so my last two are called “Java” and “Love’s Massacre” - I’m sure it’s not hard to guess which is which The Java one is a deep brown but actually has some yellow/orange highlights you can’t see that are in the background.

*UPDATE* - I read an article that said to take a picture in full sunlight, standing over your painting, and that it was the best way to get true color representation and all that. So the 2 pics at the top were taken that way, I think it helped a lot.

I went to pick up Andrew at the airport Thursday night, he had a four day weekend, so he decided to take advantage of it and come see us! It was a great visit, but it’s too bad it couldn’t have been longer.

He left around 2pm yesterday for Atlanta, and Audrey was not happy at all about it. She pouted with the saddest little face for a long time while we were on our way back to Riley. I had to start singing the ABC’s to get her out of it. Even Taylor was a mess after I picked her up from school. I just mentioned her dad said he loved her and got her a little something as a going-away gift, and before she even saw it, she broke down..had me crying. I told her she can’t do that, it’s not nice to make your mom cry..which got a little smile out of her. I think him leaving so much these past 3 years is really starting to get to her. It’s getting to all of us really. I would just love to be together as a family again without having a set number of days until it was over and he was gone again.

So I’m sending cosmic vibes out into the world..wishing that exact thing. That once he gets out of school in Georgia, we will go to NY or wherever else and he will be able to stay home for at least a year without interruption.

The kids want their dad..
And I want my man.

Strong vibes…make it happen!

Most of yesterday was spent lamenting about how to catch a MOUSE that was attempting to make it’s home in my CAR.

The only way I can figure out how it got in there is in my daughters back pack..and that it hopped in from school. I’ve been giving her hell about her book bag for about a month now, and how she needed to clean it out, cause she had endless papers stuffed in there, crumbs leftover from treats she’d put in there from parties, and god knows what else. Actually, 2 weeks ago she asked me for a new bag, because hers was pretty beat up, but me, being the stubborn mom I am, I said no. She wanted one of the bags with wheels on it, and they run about $25, so I told her I wasn’t going to buy her a $25 bag if she couldn’t show me she can take care of the one she has.

So on Tuesday I pick her up from school, park my car in my garage..all is well.

Except one thing.

She left her book bag in my car.

(you might say - “Well, Glenda if she had brought it in the house..you would have had a mouse in there, isn’t that just as bad?” And my answer would be a blunt NO, N - O, and I have good reasons…just read on!)

Fast forward to yesterday morning. Taylor had been up and down all night with a tummy ache, and other icky problems, so I decided to keep her home for the day.

Well, around 3pm or so, we all got ready to leave to go to Walmart. I open the rear passenger side door to put Audrey in her car seat, and notice there’s rubber shreddings from her arm rest all over her seat. Knowing Audrey though, I thought she had just been picking on it the day before, I frowned at it, but didn’t really give it much thought.

Then Taylor yells, “Mommmma!! What happened to my bag?!?!”

“Huh?” ( I look in on her side of the seat and see pink shreddings from her book back everywhere)

“F********CK, there’s a damn mouse in the car!!!!”

(Taylor runs away like a little wimp)

I took her bag out and saw something had chewed the hell out of the bottom of it. Then I looked around the car a little bit…

This little MF had been gnawing on my SEATS!!!!! I had a hole in my drivers seat, and a little one in my front passenger seat too!

I looked as good as I could for any evidence of the stupid mouse or shrew..whatever it was, but couldn’t find it. I convinced myself that maybe it had moved on, and for the moment I’ll pretend that until I go to Walmart and get a damn trap.

So I drove in the car with the damn mouse, got a trap.

(oh yeah, Taylor was in the back seat crying because I was making her sit in the car that had a mouse in it that could pop out and say “hi” anytime)

We get back around 6 pm, and I put some peanut butter ritz crackers in a little trap I got that doesn’t kill them but traps them with a trap door. I just couldn’t stand the thought of blood or anything disgusting like that in my car. Plus, I was hoping it was just a mouse but wasn’t sure it wasn’t something bigger…ack.

Ok, so now fast forward to 2 hours later. Glenda goes back out to the car to check on the trap.

Nada..it’s empty.

BUT MY SEATS!!!! Now where Taylor sits in the back are 4 little holes..fucking shreddings everywhere.

To understand the frustration of this situation, I’ll fill you in about a few things:

1.) This is a new car! Immaculate!
2.) I’m also a very anal person about my car..I keep it clean, I keep it looking brandnew..I like it that way
3.) ME being that way really pays off in resale. It was half the reason why I got out of my new SUV a year ago, because we drove it in to the dealer looking “BLING BLING..not a flaw in it, looking better than most new cars you’ll drive out of a dealership.

Now, I really don’t plan on trading my Matrix in anytime soon, but that’s beside the point.

SO yeah..the stupid rodent was really messing up my car, and I was crazed in my efforts to find it in the dark. The thing I realized though, was that even if I caught a glimpse of it, I would literally have to smash it and kill it..or catch it..to get it out.

Yeah..ok.

I had to stick my hand in the crack of the back seat
to get Audrey’s car seat out, and my phone rang (was in my pocket) — I jumped so high I hit my head on the door rim!

After I got the carseat out, I put down the back seats, got a broom, poked and prodded..shook the damn car. But nothing, not even a little stir.

Eventually I went back in the house ( it was soo cold last night) and just felt like crying out of desperation. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew if that little MF had done all that damage in just a few hours..lord knows what I would have seen in the morning.

Glenda had a little mini-breakdown. All over a damn mouse.

BUT - to end this long drawn out story. Just for the hell of it I went out to check the trap around 12:30am - and apparently the little bastard had gotten hungry for something other than my seats, because as I went to pick up the trap, it was heavier and I freaked out..dropped it…and it flipped over.

Uggg. I eventually got over being a sissy and picked it up. It was a see-thru trap so I could see it’s beady little eyes. Andrew said he would have slammed the little guy as hard as he could on the pavement..or got a big rock and just squashed it.

As mad as I was, I couldn’t do that though. I had thoughts of just leaving it in the trap outside though, because it would have surely froze by morning. But I couldn’t do that either. I ended up getting a long ass stick and pushing in the door so it could get out. When it first realized it could get out it just stood there, like trying to figure out where in the hell it was going out too. That’s when I got impatient, and tapped it.

Then it ran across my lawn and dissaperared in the darkness.

So, I was thrilled that the stupid thing was out of my car, and I slept easier last night.

I have to go out there in a few and clean out the car. Cry over the damage. Disinfect it with pinesol..

Blahhh people. BLAH.

Damn.

It’s almost 6 o’clock and still no flowers. Not even a card. Well, I did get an E-card from my birth father, Dwain, but that’s not quite the same.

My man was thinking of me — trying to get something that he couldn’t find..or something like that. So the thought was there - it was the foresight that was lacking. I think he forgets the small things matter just as much. An email would have been nice…but ah well.

It’s all cool though, cause Glenda went and bought herself a bottle of wine

It’s almost guaranteed I will get on here later tonight with some weird rant that nobody will understand but me..hehe…sooooo - get ready. Hah.