And a lot of other rambling thoughts…
“You are standing at the edge of a significant shift in your life, yet you aren’t quite ready for all the pieces to fall into place. You might even postpone some important personal plans in order to buy yourself some much-needed time. Don’t worry about when the changes will happen because appointments with destiny are always on time.”
This is what my horoscope said today. I’m not huge on Astrology, but sometimes I find it pretty interesting, especially if I can relate to it at the time. This little paragraph today has really got me thinking.
Lately I’ve been trying to “branch out” …the “mainstream” is boring the shit out of me. The endless cycle of the job I’m in right now has me looking for other options. It’s an easy job, hell, I’m blogging from it..so there’s not much to complain about. Well except for the fact that it’s one of those jobs that is unlikely to go anywhere…or even become more of a challenge. Challenge is essential. I need to be challenged..whether it be by my employer, my spouse, friends, family..etc. It keeps things interesting, and when I find myself getting too comfortable, especially if I’m on a crooked path, to have someone straighten me out is priceless.
I don’t think I’m making sense, but my point was, I like to grow..learn, excel..move forward. If I feel I’m not doing any of that, it bothers me immensely.
By learning to sew I’m learning something new, and my creative juices thank me. As for excelling or really moving forward and challenging myself? Yeah, not so much.
Yesterday I sent out a letter of intent for a job that was posted. I talked big game, and implied I was perfect for the job….which, at the time I thought I was. An hour later I got a reply and a phone number to call to discuss the details. I froze…and it took me 6 hours to return the call.
Why? Fuck if I know. Or maybe I do. Maybe I’m scared of failing? Maybe it’s the potential change? Whatever it was, it was stupid and I need to wake the hell up. I had to leave a message and for all I know, this opportunity has passed me by. I am extremely self defeating sometimes. If there is a pill out there that would take this trait away, I’d be the first to stand in line. I say “pill” because NO…I don’t want to discuss it, at least not with a shrink. It’s just how it is. We are all fucked up in our own ways and this is mine. I’m trying to break away from it, but it its harder than you can ever imagine. For every positive thought in my head that tells me I can do something, there are about 100 others telling me I’m not worthy and am kidding myself. It pisses me off because I know better…I know can totally kick ass at whatever I set my mind to, but regardless if it isn’t conscious thoughts messing me up, its the unconscious choices I make that really make the impact.
ANyway. This wasn’t supposed to be a heavy post. Just thoughts. I’m hoping I get called back again for the job and I haven’t ruined my chances. And if it’s indeed true that I am standing on the edge of a significant shift in my life…I hope it’s a good shift, and not just talking about Andrew deploying in October. Thats definitely a shift too…but not the one I’m hoping for. It’s inevitable he will leave, but when he does I would love to be buzzing around life…learning new roles, new skills, etc, so the impact isn’t so severe.
When Andrew leaves for Iraq he puts on his game face and it’s “work time” and plenty of it. He doesn’t have a lot of spare time to sulk or feel sorry for himself. That’s the way I want it to be for me. Of course it will bother me, but I want to be so busy that I won’t notice as much. Make any sense?
Goodness. If there was ever a rambling post with a lot of points but no conclusion, this would be it!
Getting back to the beginning of this post - the part of the horoscope that says “appointments with destiny are always on time”. Comforts me immensely.
I have to have faith that in time, every thing will work itself out and no matter where I end up, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Her day went off pretty well actually. We went out to eat because she wanted to have the folks at Texa’s Roadhouse sing Happy Birthday to her while she sat on the saddle…she’s such a goofball. After dinner we went to a fair that was in town and got ripped off a little bit…totally pissed me off, so you won’t be seeing me at another Watertown, NY fair again. I’m a little bitter, even if it was only $20 - it was MY $20 and it was not worth a little Hello Kitty cheap reproduction stuffed animal. Not at all. Told you I was bitter!
(someone has to say it!)
