05
I’ve really been out of sorts the past few days. Usually I’m pretty laid back and just let life flow but over the past weekend and into this week so far I’ve been letting every thing get to me. I shouldn’t be PMS’ing but it feels like I am. My temper is short, my patience is low and I feel like just saying what is on my mind that normally I wouldn’t say anything about because I don’t want to start any drama. I’m usually low on drama…but I keep wanting to stir the pot. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but I’m really trying to hold back so that I don’t say something I may regret. This all pertains to work..family, this blog in general. Yuck. I need some perspective and to know that it’s just not hormones that’s stirring up my balance.
I have a lot on my mind regarding my job. I can’t keep the shift I have when Andrew deploys but we’ve started to depend on my income coming in so I need to have some job. There might be a day shift in my job coming up but I have no idea if I’ll get it. I might be eligible for unemployment but I’m not totally sure. There is so much I don’t know at the moment and it’s getting to me. By September things are going to be a lot different in my world but I have no idea exactly how. Yuck. I like consistency.
Also this blog has began to hurt my feelings and so I’ve become bitter towards it. I went to all the trouble of a new template..my own web address, you name it…but I don’t feel like it’s gained me anything. I don’t keep track of the hits my site gets, but I’m lucky to get even one comment on a post…..and that’s from my birth father, so that hardly counts. Of course I write for me, this post for instance, but a lot of the time I would love feedback, or to see that someone in the world (that doesn’t have my blood) gives a shit what I have to say. The truth is that I don’t think anyone cares about what I have to say, and that’s humbling…for sure. I’ve been blogging for 4 yrs now? At least? Maybe more. And it’s always been “for me” - a place to vent, sort things out and all that fun stuff. That hasn’t changed, but I guess I always hoped I’d build a few readers here and there, and the realization that I haven’t hurts my ego tremendously. Not like I had a big ego to begin with mind you.
So whatever. People with blogs that get lots of comments a day will tell me I shouldn’t write for comments, I should be writing for myself. I know this..and I do. The problem is when you put your thoughts..projects, pictures out there for the world to see, there is that hope that someone might take interest in your 2 cents. My hope for that has been crushed.
But maybe it’s just the mood I’m in. Maybe I’m being dramatic.
I currently feel very alone in the world.
That about sums it up.
