The Random Dilettante

I thought dropping off Andrew last night was difficult…until I went to get ready for bed.  It was awful and painfully sobering.  And lonely.  Not to sound like a baby, but I cried myself to sleep like one.  I have barely 24hrs under my belt and I miss him so much.

I had a productive day today for the most part there’s just a sadness that I haven’t quite gotten ahold of yet.  In time I hope.

Now I know why I drank my way through the 1st deployment.  I would put the girls to bed and then get out the wine, not stopping until I hardly remembered how I got in bed that night.

I’m trying to not go that route this time, and be mature about things…not just numb myself to it all.  I have a feeling it’s going to be one hell of a challenge though.

I have some projects I want to get started this weekend that will help pass the time, so I’m looking forward to that.

I need to email my brother Damon and his wife Chaney and thank them properly, but while I am thinking of it, THANKS SO MUCH for the Birthday card and JoAnn Fabric gift card :)  Right before Andrew left we went there and I got a bunch of stuff to keep me busy…..Andrew was happy for me because he knows that (keeping busy) will be key in maintaining my sanity through this deployment.  So thanks again guys…you shouldn’t have….but I’m glad you did, hehe.

Today the time finally came to tell my best friend…my husband….good-bye for another year. It was unbelievably hard.  One might think that after 4 prior deployments it might get easier, but I’ve come to realize that it just gets that much harder because having done it so many times before, you fully know what to expect.  A year is so fucking long to go without the one you love and depend on.  Both Audrey and Taylor took it very hard tonight and I had no choice to be the strong one…which is fine, because that’s what I here for.

Can I just say though, my heart & my chest were so heavy they literally hurt. With time I know I will feel better, but nothing will be “right” again until he is at my side.  There will be that piece of me that is missing…a huge piece.

So for anyone reading, please send good thoughts Andrews way…..he has been deployed 4 times since this damn war started and it hurts him more than anybody I think.  He always tells me that what he misses the most down range is the touch of another person.  It’s all business down there, and I know it’s hard for all the soldiers.  I tell myself to be thankful that at least I have my daughters that I can console myself with and I have no shortage of hugs or kisses coming my way…I can even snuggle and sleep with them if I want.  For that I am grateful, because I know he would love to have the same.

Anyway..I think I jumped around alot here, but I’m still processing it all.  It’s only been 2 hours since we left him at the hanger.  Life is hard at the moment.

Hard to believe……

**Also a special shout-out to TimmyC …it’s his birthday too- Happy Birthday Tim! Miss you! Email me??? **

Yesterday I had a follow-up doctors appointment to check on a blood test and a few other things.  Turns out I’m very anemic.  The doctor sat there looking at my test results and then started randomly asking me if I get dizzy often, have random fainting spells, feel weak, bruise easily, etc.  It worried me for a minute, but it all wrapped up ok.  He prescribed me pre-natal vitamins.  Interesting eh?

Speaking of pre-natal.  It reminds of how jealous and left out I feel about all these babies people are having around me lately.  It’s definitely a down side of military life.  Life moves on without you while your living 19+ hours from home…and it SUCKS.  I have nephews I have never met- 3 to be exact…and a 4th (nephew or neice) on the way.  That makes me sad because I know if I lived closer I would have so much fun being an Aunt.  BLAH.

Speaking of family.  Another thing making me jealous is Andrew will be leaving this weekend to venture back to Kansas City for 4 days.  His mom bought him a plane ticket, but of course not the whole family.  So the girls and I will be left pouting at home.  I can’t even tell Audrey because she just wouldn’t understand why daddy could visit and we can’t.   Anyway, I’m happy for him and that he’ll be able to see them all before he deploys, but I’m also a little jealous…even if it is a little wrong to be.  I can’t help it, I would LOVE to visit family and catch up and so would the girls.  Again, BLAH.

Andrew is leaving in about 2 weeks.  That’s just truly depressing.

Anyway I should go since all I’m doing is complaining!  Maybe something more upbeat will come tomorrow?  Let’s hope so!