The Random Dilettante

For the unannounced blogging vacation.  I have no explanation really..at least not a good one.  I’m still getting into a routine with the new job and the girls with school.  As obsessed as I’ve been with the computer the last 5 yrs +++ lately I might spend 15-20 min a day TOPS.  I get on to check my bank balance, pay bills, check email and that’s about it.  Notice I just said “check email” not “reply to emails”.  Sorry about that too. I owe A LOT of people emails.

Sometimes I really do feel like I’m a horrible person because of my lack of attention to the relationships that really do matter to me. All the guilt does is drive me into my hole further though….so it’s pretty useless.

Anyway, I’m back and I hope to stay that way.  I do miss sharing my day.

Right now it’s about 7:30pm and Andrew is gone at a “Hail and Farewell” - where his company gets together to welcome new soldiers and say good-bye to those leaving.  So it’s just myself and the girls tonight…..should be fun

I’ll probably write more tomorrow, but if not, on Monday for sure.  You know how weekends go!

Well, looks like I didn’t get the IT job after all.  I’m a little dissapointed, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I’m where i’m supposed to be, so I’m not feeling too bad about it.  I still have a part-time job and I’m going to have lots of time at home, so I can’t knock that.

I spent my last week of over-nights at camp with the kids, outside getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Soooooo glad that’s over with!!  It was awful.   Truly.   Awful.

Definitely looking forward to all this free time at home….it’s going to be amazing

It’s interesting what life throws at you sometimes.  Just when one thinks they have it all figured out, everything changes!

Last Friday I “officially”  got hired for the new position…and I was pretty happy about it.  Until today.  Today I found out the pay rate, and as it turns out, it’s less than what I’m making now.  Not a lot..like 35 cents less..but it’s less, and I took it as a major insult.  I’m already cutting my hours in half (from 40 to 20) and losing my benefits (paid holidays, sick time, health, 401k etc)  the least I thought they could do was up my wage a little bit.  Especially considering my prior experience working with children in after school care.  So it was insulting and kinda left me speechless.

This comes from the same people who are supposedly buiilding a “relationship” with Fort Drum’s military community.  The afterschool program they  are funding is primarily for military kids and even mentions it’s goal to ease the stress of deployments on the military family.  I’ve come to find out it’s all just a bunch of talk though.  The agency I work for has only one military spouse working for them right now.  ME.   And they know the only reason I put my notice in for my over night shift is because of Andrew deploying and the difficulty in finding childcare at those hours.

Of no fault of my own I am losing a full-time job with benefits…and it sucks.  I’ve asked for consideration with other shifts, in hopes to keep my benefits, but they weren’t really of any help.  They don’t seem to care whether I work for them or not, and it’s upsetting.  I was never asking for a lot, but you would think I was asking for the world.  It doesn’t make sense, because I’ve always received great monthly evaluations and have a good working relationship with everyone at my job and etc…

They just act like they can’t be bothered with my trivial issues and like I said….it’s upsetting.  There is only so much I can grovel and feel under valued before I start taking it personally and say enough is enough and leave with some dignity.

Anyway, with that being said, I also got another job offer today.  Making more money than I’m making now, with full time hours.  It’s an IT job, and as you all know I am a geek that loves anything to do with technology.  The only dilemma is now I have to choose…

Do I take the job that offers half the pay, but leaves me with a lot of free time at home?  It WOULD be nice for a change but the draw back is the inevitable money worries that come with getting half the pay.

OR

Do I take the full time job that makes more money, but leaves me with a lot less down time that I was looking forward too?

On one hand I totally say the time at home is worth it, but on the other hand, if I’m dirt broke all the time, that is going to suck too.

It’s a hard choice.

Any thoughts?  What would you do?  I’m in desperate need of some advice!

I’m still alive, don’t worry! Audrey’s birthday party wasn’t that crazy Her day went off pretty well actually. We went out to eat because she wanted to have the folks at Texa’s Roadhouse sing Happy Birthday to her while she sat on the saddle…she’s such a goofball. After dinner we went to a fair that was in town and got ripped off a little bit…totally pissed me off, so you won’t be seeing me at another Watertown, NY fair again. I’m a little bitter, even if it was only $20 - it was MY $20 and it was not worth a little Hello Kitty cheap reproduction stuffed animal. Not at all. Told you I was bitter!

In other GREAT news - Did you know that this is my 400TH post!?!?! I noticed that while logging on to wordpress and I thought it was pretty cool. Just a drop in the bucket compared to some bloggers out there, but it’s something!

So yay. Happy 400th post Glenda ! (someone has to say it!)

Hmm. Besides that my life has been incredibly boring so far this week. I want to sew but I need to finish priming and painting the desk first. Hopefully I’ll get to it this weekend because I have a easy YET FABULOUS sewing pattern I found for a sewing machine cover…so I’m itching to make it, and hopefully not ruin it!

One thing of mention is a book I bought recently that is definitely worth it’s weight in gold. It’s called “The First 30 Days” by Ariane de Bonvoisin. It’s all about “change” and rolling with it…accepting it…not running from it…stuff like that. I’ve never been bad with accepting change, god knows I’ve had my share of it in life, but as far as making the changes I need to make to make my life better, and happier, I’m not so great. This book is helping though, and I highly recommend it. If you click on the book title up there it takes you to Amazon where you can read more about it. Also, if your are interested in buying it, Amazon has the best price out there as far as I can tell. I got my copy at local bookstore and paid $24. I was too inpatient to wait for it to come in the mail. Go figure.

Oh yeah! There’s also a website that’s related to the book that really helpful. It’s at www.first30days.com — definitely worth a look if you ask me.

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, which I guess is why she was on my mind most of the day. We went through a lot, some good times, even more bad times, and then the sour ending.

The ending left me speechless actually.

If I could ever choose a time in my life to forget, it would probably be the last year she was alive. I think with my father passing, it really tipped her to a point of no return, and as crazy as she was while I was growing up, she was never quite that crazy or confused until then. She was incoherent to reason and it was beyond frustrating and hard not to resent her for it all. I never had time to deal with my dad passing..I was too damn busy trying to take care of her..trying to be the strong one while she fell apart. I’ll admit it left me bitter, but what I’ve realized this year is that I’ve actually let a lot of that go. This year when her birthday came around I was more inclined to think of good times with her than the bad. There were times where she was an awesome mom,  and I shouldn’t ever forget that.  Plus, worth remembering is with the borderline personality disorder thing, I don’t think she realized the impact it would have on me….then or in the future. It’s certainly made my journey an uphill battle at times, usually with only myself in the way.  Maybe it would be easier to walk through life and just blame her for everything, but I know enough to know that there is always a choice, regardless of the circumstances.

Also as I think back there is one thing I’ve realized that I do resent about being adopted. It doesn’t have anything to do with my biological parents, because I feel that I ended up where I needed to be and it was probably best for us all. The one thing that sucked about it all was being adopted by an older couple. My parents were in their early 40’s when I was adopted, which really isn’t that old, but when you plan on dying when your in your 60’s…it’s pretty damn old. I still resent the fact that I’ve lost my parents way before a lot of people that I know that are in their 50’s . It just doesn’t seem “fair” - but no one ever said life was, right?

Ah well, I think I am a stronger & smarter person for having went through it all so there isn’t a whole lot to complain about.

Plus I’m lucky enough to have my birth father finally get his shit life together so I’m not completely without a parent, and thats something I am truly grateful for.  Not many people are lucky enough to lose a parent and then find another one waiting in the wings..

Anyway…enough with this trip down memory lane.  Kinda been like that all day though.  Rainy days do that to me.

I changed my mind. I don’t like this day anymore. That is my guilty pleasure this week…I’m dumping it! One of these days, maybe I’ll think up another subject to dedicate this day too…but for now it will be “whatever” again.

Now that that’s over with, can I just say that I’ve had the most awful day so far? Seriously awful. Crying, while you get drunk off your ass awful. Fucking horrible. And I’m the idiot that brought it on to myself. Lesson learned is all I have to say.

It is a damn good thing I have my daughters cause otherwise I’m not sure anything else would keep me alive here. Otherwise I think I’d leap at the opportunity to check-out with my white flag and march my merry ass into hell.

Seriously awful day.

PS- not that I’m drunk (or drinking) I just wish I were. Actually probably will be soon..but whatever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbZ9xUF7sY8&hl=en]

My current ring tone: Who Can It Be Now - By Men At Work

First chose because it was catchy and I thought it a little funny because I have it set to ring for the calls of phone numbers that are not saved in my phone book.

Then today the song happens to come on the radio (rock on! I know…) and I paid a little more attention to the lyrics and I thought to myself, holy shit, how funny is it that I have this song playing and it reflects my state of mind so damn well? Freaky! Coincidence? I think not. It’s strange how our subconscious plays into real life sometimes…or whatever I’m trying to say…you get the point, right?

Forgot the lyrics? Here they are :

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go ‘way, don’t come ’round here no more.
Can’t you see that it’s late at night?
I’m very tired, and I’m not feeling right.
All I wish is to be alone;
Stay away, don’t you invade my home.
Best off if you hang outside,
Don’t come in - I’ll only run and hide.

Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

Who can it be knocking at my door?
Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor.
If he hears, he’ll knock all day,
I’ll be trapped, and here I’ll have to stay.
I’ve done no harm, I keep to myself;
There’s nothing wrong with my state of mental health.
I like it here with my childhood friend;
Here they come, those feelings again!

Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?

Is it the man come to take me away?
Why do they follow me?
It’s not the future that I can see,
It’s just my fantasy

OMG we are done moving….and we better not do it again anytime soon! We had help this time as far as moving the heavy stuff, but it was still utterly exhausting. We have too much stuff! Once it’s all in our house it doesn’t look like too much because it’s all in it’s proper place and organized, but you get it all out in the open and it’s no joke!

The new house looks so great though..I have no words..I just feel so grateful/lucky to have found such a nice place to call home. It really suits us. It has built in book shelves..and we have tons of books that now have a home, and it looks awesome to say the least. There’s so much I like about this house I hardley know where to start….I’m completely thrilled. And the more of our stuff that we unpack…the better it looks. Like I said, I really couldn’t ask for more.

Hopefully soon I’ll have some pics to post, but as of now I’m still searching for the box that has my camera!

Anyhow, I have a small detour from my week off work…I have to go in tonight, but after that I’m not at it again until Monday oh yeah…

Andrew has been coming home late LATE so he hasn’t been able to help much, but each day I’m making some good progress.

Oh yeah! Guess what? Yesterday I changed our dryer cord from a 3 prong end to a 4 prong end. It was a matter of buying a new “whip” as they like to call it. I had no choice because the outlet for the dryer at the new place was totally different than the plug from our dryer. Anyway, I wired that baby up (safely, don’t worry!) and now my dryer works!

Andrew said the world better watch out now that I’m a “truck driving electrician” - hehe. (I drove the U-haul once)

Hmmm. Just wondering if anyone even reads this anymore? Not like I would blame you if you didn’t…it’s been forever since my last post.

We are moving into the new house next weekend..so things have been a little hectic ….

I’ve went out a few Fridays in a row now….I love it!  It’s a nice way to cap off the end of the work week. 

I’m up and I shouldn’t be, but oh well. Audrey’s home for the day…for silly reason’s actually, but that’s beside the point. So I’ll be up until she goes down for nap time, and in the meantime I’ve been watching “Meet The Robinson’s” for the 6th time since we bought it last Saturday. She loves it, I love it..I think we all do. We first saw it in the theater on Andrew’s Birthday this April, and when I noticed it came out on DVD I had to have it. It’s a great little story for all us orphans out there..haha. Truly inspiring, and when I first saw it, I cried at the end..it has such a happy ending, I couldn’t help it.

Anyway, at the end there’s a song by Rob Thomas that’s called “Little Wonders” and it’s got one hell of a message. When I watched it this morning it made me think of things that have went on in my life over the past few years, and things that are going on with other people I know right now, and how if I could just truly take the advice of the lyrics in the song, how much better I’d be off….how much better we’d ALL be off.

Here’s the Lyrics & Video - let me know what you think
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaX5zr13wMs&hl=en]

“Little Wonders”

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain