The Random Dilettante

Digging For The Truth

Glenda — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:17:56 +0000

There are things renting space in my head lately that have caused me to withdrawal even more than usual. Feelings of resentment, fear, and indifference have been camping out. The time isn’t the most convenient but it is what it is. I don’t relish in these thoughts, rather just try and rationalize them. The problem is every time I try and sort out whats going on, I end right back where I started. Resentful & lacking trust, which leads to fearing the unknown and how stable or unstable it could become. Consistency is a big thing for me. I need to know that a person is somewhat balanced and not going to be irrational from one day to the next. If I don’t know this, or sense otherwise, I don’t necessarily shut them out, but it becomes a challenge for me to continue to involve myself. When I was growing up, and into my twenties there was so much that could falter from one second to the next, and I learned to deal with it, but never in healthy ways. I hated myself and I always thought it was my fault that things just couldn’t stay nice and balanced the way I wanted them to be. This lead to punishing myself in numerous ways. Awful things I would call myself inside my head, or intentionally bruising myself because I thought I deserved it, and as I got older it lead to cutting. This behavior started when I was around 7 or 8 and it didn’t take a break until both my parents passed away. I think in a way, since I was adopted, I felt responsible for their happiness, and when it wasn’t there, or they were mad at me, which was more often then not, it became a huge weight on my shoulders and I felt like a failure at “my job”.

When they died it was saddening, in fact I think I’m still trying to deal with it. On the other end of the spectrum though, I felt “free” in a sense. What was done was done, and there was no going back, no more blame, hatred, hurt feelings to contend with…it was too late, and didn’t matter anymore…they were gone. So in a way this helped me..it was the end of an era.

Until recently when I’ve realized I am by far, free from my past. One of the luxuries of being adopted and getting back in touch with your birth parents is having a whole other division of life to contend with. All over again. One more time I will witness the unraveling, the sickness…and the eventual death. Combined with this there is the truth that no matter how much I try and convince myself, this set of parents…my first, will never be what it could have been had I been raised by them. The bond just isn’t there for me, at least not yet. So it makes it hard to want to deal with whats inevitable. Maybe it’s that I feel I don’t owe them anything, at least not in the way I did my adoptive parents. I’m not implying that I’m right in feeling this way, just that I feel this way and its part of what goes on in my head sometimes.

I need to grow up in some ways and realize that this is how life is, full of challenges and obstacles and that the answer is not to hide myself away from them and pretend they aren’t there. It’s the easy way out, and that’s usually not how I take on things. In other areas of my life, a good challenge makes me thrive and step up to my true potential. This challenge is personal though and it digs. So fucking deep…that if I’m not careful, I fear I’ll bury myself once again.

Hmmm. I’m not sure where to go from there today. I woke up with my extra hour and this is what I did with it. The words poured out with little effort, like it was planned…but it was very spur of the moment. Like finding a book and seeing it was full of connect-the-dot pages, and going with the flow.

Anyway. I need coffee. Have a great Sunday everyone.

Happy Halloween!

Glenda — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 02:10:19 +0000

Haze

Glenda — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 01:33:38 +0000

I thought dropping off Andrew last night was difficult…until I went to get ready for bed. It was awful and painfully sobering. And lonely. Not to sound like a baby, but I cried myself to sleep like one. I have barely 24hrs under my belt and I miss him so much.

I had a productive day today for the most part there’s just a sadness that I haven’t quite gotten ahold of yet. In time I hope.

Now I know why I drank my way through the 1st deployment. I would put the girls to bed and then get out the wine, not stopping until I hardly remembered how I got in bed that night.

I’m trying to not go that route this time, and be mature about things…not just numb myself to it all. I have a feeling it’s going to be one hell of a challenge though.

I have some projects I want to get started this weekend that will help pass the time, so I’m looking forward to that.

I need to email my brother Damon and his wife Chaney and thank them properly, but while I am thinking of it, THANKS SO MUCH for the Birthday card and JoAnn Fabric gift card :) Right before Andrew left we went there and I got a bunch of stuff to keep me busy…..Andrew was happy for me because he knows that (keeping busy) will be key in maintaining my sanity through this deployment. So thanks again guys…you shouldn’t have….but I’m glad you did, hehe.

It Hurts

Glenda — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:39:46 +0000

Today the time finally came to tell my best friend…my husband….good-bye for another year. It was unbelievably hard. One might think that after 4 prior deployments it might get easier, but I’ve come to realize that it just gets that much harder because having done it so many times before, you fully know what to expect. A year is so fucking long to go without the one you love and depend on. Both Audrey and Taylor took it very hard tonight and I had no choice to be the strong one…which is fine, because that’s what I here for.

Can I just say though, my heart & my chest were so heavy they literally hurt. With time I know I will feel better, but nothing will be “right” again until he is at my side. There will be that piece of me that is missing…a huge piece.

So for anyone reading, please send good thoughts Andrews way…..he has been deployed 4 times since this damn war started and it hurts him more than anybody I think. He always tells me that what he misses the most down range is the touch of another person. It’s all business down there, and I know it’s hard for all the soldiers. I tell myself to be thankful that at least I have my daughters that I can console myself with and I have no shortage of hugs or kisses coming my way…I can even snuggle and sleep with them if I want. For that I am grateful, because I know he would love to have the same.

Anyway..I think I jumped around alot here, but I’m still processing it all. It’s only been 2 hours since we left him at the hanger. Life is hard at the moment.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Glenda — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 02:22:47 +0000

Hard to believe……

**Also a special shout-out to TimmyC …it’s his birthday too- Happy Birthday Tim! Miss you! Email me??? **

The Dreaded Deployment

Glenda — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:37:14 +0000

Yesterday I had a follow-up doctors appointment to check on a blood test and a few other things. Turns out I’m very anemic. The doctor sat there looking at my test results and then started randomly asking me if I get dizzy often, have random fainting spells, feel weak, bruise easily, etc. It worried me for a minute, but it all wrapped up ok. He prescribed me pre-natal vitamins. Interesting eh?

Speaking of pre-natal. It reminds of how jealous and left out I feel about all these babies people are having around me lately. It’s definitely a down side of military life. Life moves on without you while your living 19+ hours from home…and it SUCKS. I have nephews I have never met- 3 to be exact…and a 4th (nephew or neice) on the way. That makes me sad because I know if I lived closer I would have so much fun being an Aunt. BLAH.

Speaking of family. Another thing making me jealous is Andrew will be leaving this weekend to venture back to Kansas City for 4 days. His mom bought him a plane ticket, but of course not the whole family. So the girls and I will be left pouting at home. I can’t even tell Audrey because she just wouldn’t understand why daddy could visit and we can’t. Anyway, I’m happy for him and that he’ll be able to see them all before he deploys, but I’m also a little jealous…even if it is a little wrong to be. I can’t help it, I would LOVE to visit family and catch up and so would the girls. Again, BLAH.

Andrew is leaving in about 2 weeks. That’s just truly depressing.

Anyway I should go since all I’m doing is complaining! Maybe something more upbeat will come tomorrow? Let’s hope so!

My Apologies

Glenda — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 23:33:29 +0000

For the unannounced blogging vacation. I have no explanation really..at least not a good one. I’m still getting into a routine with the new job and the girls with school. As obsessed as I’ve been with the computer the last 5 yrs +++ lately I might spend 15-20 min a day TOPS. I get on to check my bank balance, pay bills, check email and that’s about it. Notice I just said “check email” not “reply to emails”. Sorry about that too. I owe A LOT of people emails.

Sometimes I really do feel like I’m a horrible person because of my lack of attention to the relationships that really do matter to me. All the guilt does is drive me into my hole further though….so it’s pretty useless.

Anyway, I’m back and I hope to stay that way. I do miss sharing my day.

Right now it’s about 7:30pm and Andrew is gone at a “Hail and Farewell” - where his company gets together to welcome new soldiers and say good-bye to those leaving. So it’s just myself and the girls tonight…..should be fun

I’ll probably write more tomorrow, but if not, on Monday for sure. You know how weekends go!

#1 On My Wishlist

Glenda — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:18:03 +0000

(click on the pic to go buy it!)

Ummmm….so I really want this painting. I have a smaller version of one kind of like it by Secret Agent Josephine.

It would be amazing to have the two paintings together on Audrey’s wall in her room. Alas I can’t afford it right now

I think someone should totally go buy it for me ….don’t you? Christmas is just around the corner you know!! Screw that…OMG….MY BIRTHDAY!! Did you know it’s in October?? The 9TH to be exact?? How close is that!?!?! hehe

Plan B

Glenda — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 13:07:44 +0000

Well, looks like I didn’t get the IT job after all. I’m a little dissapointed, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I’m where i’m supposed to be, so I’m not feeling too bad about it. I still have a part-time job and I’m going to have lots of time at home, so I can’t knock that.

I spent my last week of over-nights at camp with the kids, outside getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Soooooo glad that’s over with!! It was awful. Truly. Awful.

Definitely looking forward to all this free time at home….it’s going to be amazing

Go Vote!

Glenda — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:32:45 +0000

** I know some of you who read my blog have no idea who this bloke is, but put that aside for a sec (or go find out by reading his blog!) and just take a minute and go vote for him so that he can be on a calender full of *hot* bloggers!! He definitely deserves to be. Not only is he just adorable, he’s smart as hell and intellectually stimulating to boot. And did I mention he’s an EMT in NYC? That alone is pretty hot **

The Hot Blogger 2009 Calendar Voting has begun! There are two actual categories, one for the girls and one for the guys. While perusing the nominations I saw that the NYC Watchdog has been nominated. So you know what I did right? I totally casted my vote for him because he is a total Hawt Dawg!!! Voting is VERY easy. There is no registration, its a simple poll, and all you have to do is check off right by his name! They couldn’t have made it any easier for us to make the Hawt Dawg into our Mr. October for 2009!!! So throw the Hawt Dawg a bone and help me out by voting for him here!!!